Personal Crisis Management - knitting patterns

Life has a sense of humour, that is certainly true. As I began writing this series, my own personal crisis manifested. It was a bolt from the blue and in the nature of these things, it flattened everything in my emotional landscape.

As always, I believe it's not what happens that's important, it's the way you deal with it that contributes to the resolution. As the shockwaves rippled, I had a sense of deep recognition. This familiarity, gave me comfort and a sense of security, even though everything I held dear unravelled until my Life was a messy heap of multi-coloured wool.

I'd like to stay with that metaphor, because although I'm not a knitter, I have dear friends who love it dearly and I think in this context it works really well. 

When you're looking at a messy heap of wool at your feet that was your life, you have some choices to make. The thing is, you can't start making choices without getting the wool into a ball. That's what I've been doing in the past few months, getting my wool untangled and balling it up again. As I've been rolling it up, I've been contemplating the type of garment I'd like to knit with it. 

I have come to believe that Life is Meaningless. We are born, pay our taxes and then die. The Meaning in Life, comes from the Meaning we create. 

The question I have going round and round in my head: what Meaning do I want to create in my Life? I am now 44. Statistically, speaking I am at the mid-point in my life-span, give or take a bus or tree or two. How do I want to use my time? 

I had been laughing with a friend that now I'm in my 40s, I need to do another degree. My interest in Wellbeing is fundamental. I am still fascinated behind the science of thought, behaviour and healing. I want to know more. 

After a period of consideration, I've signed up to do an introduction to counselling course in Person Centred counselling. 

Now there is a philosophical contradiction between Neuro Linguistic Programming and talking therapies of any kind. NLP is interested in affecting change by addressing the How clients think, the Why doesn't come into it. It is merely a by-product of bad thinking in practice. The healing in NLP comes from better thinking and better decision-making. Talking therapies focus on the Why. By creating a safe place, the Why can be understood and in this understanding, there is healing. 

I've personally experienced both and I believe there is great merit to be found from both approaches. I've had my Practitioner's training in NLP and now I want to learn more. I am not concerned about the contradiction. Contradiction and paradox are a fundamental part of Life, consider how it's possible to love and hate the same person, equally passionately. It's how the contradiction is held, that is the key.

I don't know the shape or size of the garment I'll be knitting. The pattern will come in time. All that matters is that I've picked up my needles and cast on. 

Personal Crisis Management - No Wallowing

If you've been waiting for this next instalment in my series, my apologies. I've been away and you know how it is when you go away for a few days; there are mountains of things to do when you get back. It did give me a lot of time to think about this post before I sat down and started typing. 

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional" - I believe this is a Buddhist saying.

Firstly, I want to distinguish between sitting with your pain and wallowing in it. 

I am not a fan of emotional intervention for the sake of it. I am not going to tell you when you are dealing with some of the toughest stuff of your life, that if you just have a positive attitude, the challenging situation will lickety splick be sorted. To me that's painting a dog turd with glitter. It's still shit, but now it's sparkly. 

Pushing pain away, isn't healthy. There comes a point when the stiff upper lip breaks...and then it gets a lot worse.

I suppose having experienced childbirth, I understand that while it does hurt, it's happening for a reason. If you've been dealing with some of the heaviest stuff you've ever had to deal with: relationship break up, financial difficulties, death and bereavement, it's going to hurt. And you know what, it's okay to let it hurt.

Wallowing, on the other hand, is sitting in the mud pit of your feelings with an internal dialogue that might run along the lines of:

I'm not worthy of love
It's all my fault
I'm too ugly
I'm too fat
I'm too old
Other people don't have to put up with this shit
The Universe/God/Karma hates me
The World is out to get me....

By the way, the above, those are some of mine. You might have a different Negative (Neggy) Chorus in your head. 

That is making it worse. 

The thing is, how you feel is transitory. Feelings, emotions are like a summer storm, Byron Katie says, you get wet, cold and soaked to the bone and then it passes and the sun comes out. However, 'real' it is to you at that point in time, it will pass.

It will pass.

Wallowing in the pit of your emotions becomes a negative feedback loop that sucks your energy, motivation and your ability to get on and deal with whatever went really wrong to cause this crisis in the first place.

The worst case scenario can kick in at 3 am when it's just you and your mind and you can't see a way out of it. Richard Bandler points out many a time suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

I know it will pass because the sun rises every morning. If you have had a couple of nights like this, then call someone, do not delay. Call your GP, your best friend, the Samaritans. You are not alone and you may need a bit more support. This is the sensible thing to do, when you suffer.

So what to do when it hurts?

Personally, I throw a Pity Party. I have learnt to make a conscious decision to sit with the pain. To let it hurt. To watch sad films, cry my way through sad books, listen to my favourite sad songs. I eat my favourite comfort food. I shut the door. I don't answer the phone.

How is this different to wallowing? It happens for a finite time. I choose when and where I throw my party. I choose who to invite - self doubt, negative body image, low self-esteem, the Self-Pity Gnome. I give it a day, a couple of days maximum and then I throw my 'guests' out. I go have a shower, change my clothes, air out my house. I put on my Big Girl Pants, my Arse Kicking Boots and I get on with it. I still hurt, but it doesn't occupy the same space as it did previously. I make sure I have people around me, who will help if the Pity Party turns into Wallowing. The point is, it is not permanent.

I'm very lucky in that I was able to train with Richard Bandler and his amazing team. The one big thing I took away from my training, is that it's okay to hurt, it passes. Emotions are a complex interaction of chemistry, physiology and experience. It is so easy to manipulate them. Recognising this, freed me from my inner darkness. 

You may not have a spare £3,000 + for the NLP training. However, there are some really good resources and people available. Have a look at Paul McKenna and Richard Bandler, if times are tough, order the books from the library. NLP is not a magic pill, but it might help you learn to drive your brain better. My mentor often said to me in the beginning of our work together, that we are all given a brain and this fabulous organ doesn't come with a set of instructions; NLP is part of the manual.

I'm not taking on new clients at the moment. If you are looking for a practitioner, I still might be able to help. I am lucky enough to still be involved with the network. I will happily refer you on if I can.

The main points I want you to take from this, is to be kind to yourself first, foremost and always. Avoid the Neggy Chorus. Do not wallow. 

And if you do end up wallowing for too many days in a row, seek help. Talk to people who are not involved in your current situation, who can provide a reality check for the Neggy Chorus. If you must put something off - procrastinate the wallowing. 

It will pass. 

*  *  *

A couple of points I would like to reiterate before I finish. Please be clear that I am focusing on Crisis Management, external issues causing internal distress. I am not covering depression or other mental health issues. If you are depressed these posts may not be helpful for you at all. 

The second point is that I am currently not Practising. I am on hiatus for the moment, but I enjoy writing and thinking about personal development. I will let you know when I open up my list again.

Personal Crisis Management - Don't Make Things Worse

You were given some bad news. You have the most awful day at work. Your husband/wife/lover/cat walked away from you without a backward glance. You are so broke, identity thieves don't even want to know...whatever happened to put you in Crisis...DON'T MAKE IT WORSE.

People who are hurting, hurt other people.

They don't mean to, but when the shit goes down, they lash out. Their nearest and dearest end up paying the price of their hurting. Don't worry, you're not alone. This is one demon I fight with on a regular basis. It's really hard to resist turning into Snappy Bitch from Hell, when your world has turned to ashes. You're really angry, frustrated and disappointed and you think that things can't get any worse.

In my experience, there's always a worse option waiting.

You are made redundant, in a fury you drive home and get a speeding ticket, or cause an accident. 

You are rejected and someone tries to help, you snap at them.

Don't Make Things Worse should be an entire book, not just a single blog post. But I want to cover some of the essentials to bear in mind, when the shit hits the fan.

First off. If you are in crisis, you are not going to be in your most rational mind. That's not a criticism, it's a fact and it's okay. It really is okay. If you are in emotional shock, although you aren't going to want to attend to yourself, the first thing you need is emotional First Aid. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

You have no control over what other people do, or what they say. Your focus must be on your emotional good health. 

Be gentle with yourself.

I want you to imagine your Personal Crisis - what you think and how you feel as a storm. You are standing in an open field and the rain of your thoughts pounds around you, while your feelings buffet against you.

Even though it's really hard, hold on to the thought that the storm will pass. You don't have to believe anything you think or anything you feel. Despair, loneliness, grief...all of these may attack you...but they will pass. This is part of the process. Let the wind blow, let the rain fall. You are hurting. It will mess up your hair and make you wet to the bone, but stand tall in the field. Nothing here is permanent.

It will pass.

Cry your way through a box of tissues. Play the depressing songs. Be how you are in the moment. Don't be afraid to say how it is to people around you. If you're in the midst of a crisis, don't waste energy on trying to appear like you're keeping it together. Chances are it won't work and frankly, you've got to conserve your energy. You'll just appear to be more crazy than you really are. Plus, if you tell it like it is, you'll give people around you the opportunity to support you. 

Be confident in the fact the storm will pass. Storms always do. It might take awhile. It might test your resilience to the core. But it will pass. How did the ad in the 80's go? Don't make a drama out of a crisis. The important thing is not to lay waste to everything important around you, so when the sun comes out and you're looking at the remains of your life in a muddy field, you don't have extra bits to rebuild. 

The more gentle you can be with yourself at this stage, the better. You are more likely to be gentle with the people around you and the stronger your primary relationships will be. And you know what? This isn't a science. Be prepared to screw things up despite your best efforts. It's okay. It's to be expected because you are in the midst of a crisis and you're not properly yourself right now. 

Be as mindful as you are able and when your aren't, apologise. It's okay. It's to be expected. Acknowledge when you've got it wrong. You will give yourself the opportunity to learn from your mistakes and it will nurture the relationships around you. Keep breathing, keep putting one step in front of the other. You're not alone. 

I hope this is useful to you. Please share your thoughts on this post, below in the comments. I really would like to know what you think.

Personal Crisis Management - How to Survive when Life comes a'kickin'

For some time now, I've been thinking about what I can bring to the Personal Development table. There are so many really good life coaches and NLP practitioners out there all of whom are well trained, very experienced and frankly, pretty damned good at what they do. It has seemed to me that I haven't really been able to add much value to the field.

Today, that changed. It occurred to me that there is one section, which doesn't get much coverage in Personal Development, but is something I know intimately - that of Personal Crisis Management. 

My life experiences have given me a unique perspective on Personal Crisis Management. I understand what it's like when Life pulls the rug out from under you, you hit the ground hard and then The Bastards start kicking you with steel-toe capped boots. I have stood outside at the 3 o'clock in the morning believed I was the only personal alive on the planet, awake and hurting. There have been times when I hurt so much I was frozen in place, I wasn't able to move from my chair. 

In those times, I would have done physical harm to the person who would have dared to give me the "it's all in your attitude", "it's what you attract" or "think positive to create the outcome you want" speeches. 

Don't get me wrong, I do believe there is value in those things, but frankly, they aren't particularly helpful when you are fighting an external situation that totally blindsided you.

This is the beginning of a series of posts about coping strategies; what works and what to avoid. They are based on my own experiences of dealing with Life's lovely little surprises: the end of significant relationships, death, financial uncertainty, career/job uncertainty and collapsing relationships. There have been times when I felt that I what I was going through was so ridiculously awful, if I had written about it as a book, my readers would never have been able to suspend their disbelief. 

The work of Dr Richard Bandler and John & Kathleen LeValle in Neuro Linguistic Programming has been instrumental in the shift in my thinking. Training with them taught me one of the most valuable lessons: however I feel, no matter how much emotional pain I am in, it will pass. 

Emotional pain, no matter how awful, debilitating, crucifying and intense, it will pass.

I repeat, it will pass.

However, difficult and seemingly unending your trauma is at this instant, it will pass.

There is a card in Major Arcana of the Tarot, called The Tower. When you look at it, it's fairly clear what it's about: your Life as you know it, crumbling away from underneath you. Death, divorce, redundancy, illness, relationships ending (in their many varied ways), relocation etc. The Big Things. The painful things. 

The situations that once you survive, you know your Life will never be the same again. 

Winston Churchill is credited as saying "When you're going through Hell, don't stop." 

That Ladies and Gentlemen, is advice you can take to the bank. If you are in crisis mode, don't stop. Your every waking moment must be about putting one foot in front of the other. Even if you only manage one, small baby step, or can only crawl on your hands and knees.  This is not the time to sightsee. Don't stop to take pictures. Don't be a tourist. 

It is said that Life never hands you more than you can handle. I'm not entirely confident about that. There have been times when I sank like a stone. What I will say is that the sun will rise again tomorrow. It will pass. In the midst of disaster, every day becomes a new opportunity to try again. And if all you manage to do is to brush your teeth and wash your face, embrace each and every effort you make towards getting yourself out of Hell, as a triumph. It's one less step to make tomorrow.

Repeat after me, it will pass. 

Motivation and Personal Hygiene

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar

I had a cup of tea with a friend recently. We hadn't seen each other in many, many months and were catching up with each other's news (a feat made far easier through the wonders of Facebook and Twitter), when she turned around and sighed.

"How did you do it? How do you get the motivation to keep exercising?" 

Last April, I wanted to go bike riding with my partner who is a mad, keen cyclist. I hadn't been on a bike in over 20 years and the first time we went out together I could have cried. My roadcraft was diabolical and worse - my fitness! I barely managed a half a mile and in that half mile, I had to stop 3 times.

I started with exercise DVDs. I had quite a few. Being fit was one of those vague goals I would dust off occasionally, I'd have a run of 3 or 4 workouts and then the DVDs would languish on my shelves. This time was different. This time, I started with the exercise DVDs. My workouts were 30 minutes at a time and I struggled to finish them. This time, I stuck with it until I could complete them. I started looking at what I ate. My partner and I cycled further and further every time we went out. Last autumn, I increased the intensity and frequency of my home workouts. I started frequenting health and fitness websites and logging my workouts. My partner bought me a heart-rate monitor for Christmas, perfect for the woman who likes to log everything in my diary.

In January, I agreed I'd run the City of Norwich half marathon in November, a daft idea for a woman who never voluntarily run for anything in her entire life. I downloaded a fantastic training app, laced up my shoes and headed out the door. I had to get up earlier and earlier to fit my workouts in my day. If they don't happen first thing in the morning, they don't happen at all. I went from the world's most lazy, bone idle woman, to getting up at 5.45 am to go running. I joined a gym! 

This May, my level of physical activity dropped. I moved my focus away from exercise to my work commitments. I'm not going to give you my excuses. I am having to work very hard to bring my level of fitness back from those 5 weeks and while I was giving myself a hard time I realised that even though my activity level dipped, I was still doing far more every week than I had 2 years ago. I went back to my exercise DVDs, I did yoga. I hadn't stopped, I had just dropped down a couple of levels. I remained committed.

But this is *my* story. What can you take from this?

You know exercise is good for you. You know eating well is going to have a positive impact on your general level of health and well being. 

Knowing that isn't enough to get anyone off the couch. You have to want to do it. 

There isn't much consensus within the Health and Fitness industry, but one thing you can take to the bank: diet is 80% of the battle, exercise 20%. Exercising regularly boosts your metabolism to enable you to lose weight. 

The other thing which is quite "shocking" is that dieting doesn't work!

There's a surprise. If you diet and lose weight, when you stop dieting and go back to the way you were eating before, you will return to the weight you were before and probably have some added extra as a bonus.

Therefore, the hard truth is, when you get off the couch, you've got to make and keep a promise to yourself never to sit down and stay down on that couch. Ever. 

You have to get off and stay off the couch.

There is no quick-fix. There is no magic bullet. Eating low-fat yoghurt with chia seeds and goji berries for 3 weeks is not going to make any long-term difference to your health. That 6-week to your ideal beach body plan in the beauty/fitness magazines will disappear by week 9.

How do you keep getting up in the morning to lace up your shoes?

You have to want it. Really want it. Adopt a Learning Mind. Be prepared to try a variety of different strategies until you find something that works for you. I do not believe that there is a "one-size-fits-all" strategy that will work. I can tell you what works for me, or what worked for a friend or a client. As it's going to be you looking at your alarm, weighing up whether to hit the snooze button, it's got to work for you. 

When things get hard (and they will, believe me), it really helps to have your back-up strategies in place, so you don't beat yourself up and slide back into your old ways. 

Take 5 minutes and share your strategies. How do you keep going when it gets tough? How do you overcome disappointments and setbacks? I'll let you in on a little secret - these are all great transferable skills (how's that for a buzzword?) 

In March, I had a run of incredibly stressful days at work that left me crying in my car at night and feeling dread going into work and then I went to the gym. It's hard to feel ground down and helpless when I dead lifted 30 kg for the first time. I went into work that morning with an awesome attitude.

Let's share and over-share. Tell me what keeps you on track when it gets tough.

In Search of: Living Well

Welcome.

It has been awhile. According to my stats, nigh on 13 months in fact. I have been having a long think, but perhaps more importantly, I've gone through this time 'doing'. This time for me has been about action, rather than contemplation. I have learnt a great deal. It has not been an easy or straightforward path, from May 2013 to June 2014, but I am here. Feeling a little older, a little fitter and perhaps more importantly, feeling far more uncertain.

Uncertainty is one of the most difficult feelings to endure. It is the tug in several conflicting directions, outcomes unknown. It is feeling the pressure to make a decision, but knowing the decision once made, cannot be undone.

It is about the Learning Mind. To sit within the space of uncertainty requires courage, patience and the realisation that you are completely responsible for the outcome. There is no one else to blame, should it all go horribly wrong.

There is the bumper sticker that reads: There are only two certainties in Life: Death and Taxes.

It is a universal truth.

However much you might try to argue with that, everything in between birth and death is subject to change. Life is change. Our moments here so very fleeting in the book of the cosmos.

What I say here, is my opinion. I say what I say with the best of intentions and I hope you read those best intentions in the spaces between my words. I write now with my Uncertain Mind. 

In the last 13 months, I came to realise that a person can do everything 'right' and follow all of the 'rules' and it all goes to shit.

There really isn't a Top 10 Tips to Be Happy, or Be Successful, or Be Amazing in Bed. There are good strategies to negotiate Life, I certainly am not refuting those. I just think 'being happy', 'being successful' or being whatever, is so personal and subject to the circumstances around the personal that to reduce everything to a set of bullet points, is missing the point completely.

Life is complicated.

And sometimes, it's very painful; and actually, that's just how it is.

I will dust off my Facebook Page, I haven't lost my love of the motivational memes, silly pictures and my drive to share good news stories. I would love your company. Please come by again.

The Attitude of Gratitude

The lovely Savannah posted this today and I wanted to share this with you (if any of you are still here).

Coupled with this address by Joss Whedon, it kind of sums up where I am and where I think health and happiness lies - gratitude and self-acceptance.

I adored Whedon's take on contradiction. 

Contradiction is where the interesting things in Life happen. 

The most interesting people I've ever met have been filled with contradiction and paradox. 

In the last few months, I put NLP and self-help and personal development to one side. I've taken down my twitter and Facebook page. My focus has been on getting my life in order. My life is changing and I wanted to sit with the many changes going on with as little interference as possible.

I have been trying to live with as little interference as possible.

My interference and others.

It's been a huge freedom for me to realise that I don't need to interfere with my thinking, or my being. Learning not to interfere has not come easily to me. I've always been a Change Things kind of girl. Now I'm an Acceptance kind of woman. I'm learning (note it's a work in progress) that I don't need to change anything in me, or anything with someone else, or the world. I can't. 

Given that I have a degree in Development Studies (change the world) and I'm a licensed NLP Practitioner (change other people and myself), you see this is a mammoth task for me.

News Agencies and social media tell me, the World is going down the Toilet, if only someone would just bloody flush already. My daily experience is: I love my Boy, he loves me back. I love my partner, he loves me back. My friends and I try to be the best friends we can for each other. The people in the city in which I live are on the whole, good people. We all have good/bad/indifferent days together. On Facebook and twitter, it's pretty much the same.

I resolved the contradiction by being grateful. I keep an eye on the news, but I don't invite it into my brain or my psyche. My first stop is my direct experience and I chose the good things over the negative.

Ranting doesn't seem as much fun as it used to. Ranting at the world, politics, men, women, big corporations. Anyway, no one listens when you shout angry words. Yes, I occasionally have enjoyed a bloody good argument over the internet. But I got bored of listening to myself argue. Because that's the only person who was listening to me. The other person was busy listening to themselves and their arguments. Nothing I ranted at them made any difference.

So I've been doing different things instead. I find I am happy and content through the good days, bad days and indifferent days. It's all good.

Reality Blog Award

Ladies and gentlemen, I was nominated for the Reality Blog Award by the lovely Jane Risdon. Rather than repeat myself badly over here, I've completed it and made my own nominations on my personal blog journeying.

Please click here to see the answers to some of life's most difficult questions! And don't forget to drop in and visit Jane, she'd love to see you.

The Lighthouse Network

I have been having a long think about being an NLP Practitioner, being a coach/mentor and how that fits into my world view.

The fact of the matter is I have an interesting set of skills and experiences, which means I can guide people towards the life they want. My belief that people can learn different coping strategies, they can change the way they deal with problems, remains unshakable. Can I create a financially sustainable business based on this? No. And truth be known, I don't want to.

It's not that I have anything against money. In fact, I rather like it. Currently, I'm far better spending it, than earning it.

However, the people I enjoy most working with are the people who are starting out on their creative path, or are setting up a small business. I love being around people with vision and who are determined to carve their own niche in the tree. Creative people, who look at life from a totally different perspective and who translate their vision into words or things. People who really can't afford to pay for something as fluffy as a coach/mentor/NLP Practitioner. 

I just don't have the heart to market myself. I really don't. 

There are so many fine NLP Practitioners etc out there, doing brilliant work, I don't think the world needs my half-arsed efforts. My path has changed. I am pursuing my writing and really enjoying it. That's where my energy is going these days.

However, I see so many great people, doing amazing things to change peoples' lives out there, I am going to continue passing their wisdom on. This is still the place where l write about Life, the Universe and Living Well.

I hope you continue to join me here.

"It's okay, I've got this."

It seems like the thought for the day is Fear. A couple of conversations and a blog post, all before my third cup of coffee this morning, point in this direction. As I've dedicated 2013 to the Flow, that's what I'm going to explore with you today.

Fear

Four small letters; big, big emotional and physical response.

Let's start with the basics. What is fear? At it's core, fear is the physical response to a thought or a situation. Fear is experienced through sweating palms, heightened heart rate, rush of adrenaline. What fear feels like, well, that is an entirely subjective experience. Some people experience nausea, their vision goes, bladder and bowels loosen. At its extreme, it's debilitating.

Human beings are born with two fears: falling and loud noises. 

The rest we learn along the way. Human beings are learning animals, that's what ensures our survival. Experience is our greatest teacher. Touch fire, it hurts. Great big things hurtling towards you, likely to be very painful, get out the way.

Fear, is a safety mechanism. It's essential to our survival. If we didn't heed the fear when considering whether it would be a good thing to step into a cage with a tiger, unless we knew what we were doing, we'd be tiger fodder. 

Fear keeps us safe.

When it's taken to extremes, that's when the trouble starts.

Phobias are an example of this. When I was doing my NLP training I met people who weren't only afraid of spiders, they were terrified of the thought of spiders. They would think 'spider' and then have a meltdown. They could see a picture of a spider and have a physiological response. 

Let's begin with the assumption that every fear has a purpose - to keep us safe - then must come the query: in a country where there are no poisonous spiders and they do nothing but make webs to be dusted, is this an appropriate response?

The answer has to be no. An emotional meltdown at the thought of a spider is not appropriate. Happily, the phobia techniques that NLP teaches enables people who suffer to ditch their fears and put them in their proper place, not remove it all together (that would be a Bad Thing). 

The thing that I really like about NLP is that it puts fear in it's proper place. It's a physiological response, a necessary survival mechanism; a practitioner's goal is to bring the emotional response into appropriate boundaries. I would like to take this one step further. 

I work with the assumption Fear is trying to be my best friend, it's bringing things to my attention that I might be missing. It's telling me I'm doing something unusual, the outcome may not be guaranteed, there is risk involved. I liken it with motherhood (because I am a mother and the metaphor works for me).

I am an over-protective mother. I own it totally. My Boy is 19 now, that makes no difference to me whatsoever; he's still my baby. My job as his mother, is to keep him safe. If I could have done, I would have wrapped him up in bubble wrap when he was learning to walk. The first time he fell badly and split his lip, I moped him up and became physically sick. That's how much I want to protect my son. 

However, for me to be a good mother, I had to learn to let him fall. I had to give him the space to bruise his knees, to make mistakes, to fail, because ultimately, that's how he would learn to make sense of this world. How was he to walk if he didn't fall? How is he to learn the value of love if he doesn't experience heartbreak? How is he to learn fortitude if he doesn't overcome disappointment? 

Boy rolls his eyes and we laugh together when I become too over-protective. He doesn't hate me for it, he knows it's because I want the best for him.

Love your fear, it's trying to do the best it can for you. But like your relationship with your over-protective mum or friend, create boundaries. Don't waste your energy fighting with it. You'll begin to find, once you acknowledge your fear, doing the Scary Thing becomes easier. You'll have spent time looking at outcomes, weighing up your options. You'll know whether the risks are worth it. You'll be make an informed decision and are prepared.

Don't let fear dictate what you can and can't do. Don't let it be the boss of you. The consequences can be devastating. Not doing something because you're afraid, to my way of thinking, just isn't good enough. It's not good enough for you and it's not good enough for those around you.

Welcome to 2013

Last night we showed 2012 to the door. Depending on the kind of year you had, you may have been sorry to see it leave. Personally, I shouted 'don't let the door hit you on arse on your way out' and went to bed. 2013 started without me. I started 2013 cuddled up.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about my New Year Resolutions. I've only been making them recently; I would rather not make a resolution and find at the end of the year that I've stuck to it! Result. When I started making New Year Resolutions, I would find that they didn't last past March if I was lucky. Nothing like creating a resolution, the failure of which hits you in the face for the rest of the year.

Last year, I resolved to stop smoking. 2012 became the year I stopped and started and stopped again. When I stopped in December (I didn't want to wait until January), I stopped because I really wanted to. I stopped not because I was guilted into it (by the many hours of anti-smoking lectures), or down to financial constraints, or because it was something I 'should' do. I stopped because I really wanted to.

My experience with resolutions is not unique to me. After all, in the beginning of January, gyms are full. By the middle of February, they're back to their normal clientele. So I've been looking for a way to set resolutions and keep them, rather than have them become yet another stick to beat myself with.

Yesterday, I found this video in my Facebook feed.

I like the idea of having resolutions every day of the year, not just January. Richard always makes me smile.

Today, I read Stephen's thoughts on resolutions. I like the way he's taking 'should' out of his coaching vocabulary. If you've set your resolutions, I urge you to visit Stephen's blog, have a look and apply what feels right to you and your circumstances.

Goals, Aims and Targets are the focus of mainstream coaching, because if you don't know where you're going, how can you complain when you get where you are?

Before I did my NLP training, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do and set out to do it. The few times I did that, it worked out pretty well, but never in quite the way I envisaged it. I had fun along the way and few complaints about the way things turned out. I learnt a lot which is fine by me.

After my NLP training, I was encouraged to create a 5 Year Plan. Creating a 5 Year Plan on a timeline and working back towards present day is a powerful experience. You see yourself in 5 years time, having achieved your goals and then go through the steps backwards to your starting point in the present day. I saw it work incredibly well during my training. The only problem is, it makes me physically sick. I react very strongly against it as a concept that I should embrace. 

It boils down to my values. I value spontaneity. I like surprises. And let's face it, Life is a constant surprise, both good and bad. You can plan for everything down to the most minute details, and Life still manages to throw a spanner, a monkey and wrench in all your hard work. 

I like leaving a bit of space for the unexpected.

This year, I created one resolution. But I changed the way I wrote it. It is positive and overarching. I have sub-resolutions, which all align up with it. They are vague enough to give me room to dance around any unusual encounters along the way, but keep me working toward the outcome I am genuinely excited by.

In 2013, I will be following my Bliss to financial sustainability. All of my activities will be either focused on achieving this, or on the maintenance of the rest of my Life, so I can work towards achieving my goal.

Pain, Suffering and Laundry

It's a character flaw on my part; the minute someone says to me "...you should really..." my heels dig in and I generally do the opposite. I was like this as a child and as a grown woman, I've only got better at doing the opposite of what I "should" be doing. It doesn't matter if the advice is good, accurate, well meaning or rational...my initial reaction is intractability. I just don't do what I'm told.

Like all 'flaws', it's a useful response. It means that I sanity check advice first. I don't blindly follow any one or doctrine. I critique the advice I'm given...and then I do the opposite anyway. My stubbornness makes me difficult to bully, bowing into peer pressure doesn't happen. I've learnt to trust that immediate response.

Since I last posted on my thoughts on Positive Mental Attitude and whether I 'should' have one, I've continued to think about it. One of the things that struck me comes from a Buddhist saying: 

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

Why is pain inevitable? It's a harsh and bitter to pill to swallow. No one wants to be in pain. I look to biology for this: what is pain? Pain is a sensation. At it's core, that's all it is. A sensation. It happens for a very good and logical reason, it's a feedback system between our  mind, body and environment that is meant to keep us safe and well. There is a medical condition called Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA), it's a rare and a debilitating condition where the sufferers are not able to feel pain, heat or cold. Sufferers can't tell when they've been injured, so can walk around on broken limbs, develop infections they were completely unaware of; some can't even control their bladders or bowels. They experience no feedback from their bodies at all.

So physical pain, although it's uncomfortable, is a necessary survival mechanism.

Emotional pain, I believe is also a necessary survival mechanism. The ability to feel a whole range of emotions in reaction to a situation or circumstance is emotionally healthy. To feel grief, anger, disappointment, grumpy, low...all of these things point to the healthy functioning of our emotional feedback system. They are pointing out that something isn't working, your attention is required. It can be neither comfortable or pleasant to sit with these emotions. They are painful.

But you know what? That's okay. Here's the thing, it's supposed to hurt. It's supposed to hurt when you say goodbye to someone you love. It's okay to be angry because you've been let down or betrayed. It's okay to be disappointed because something didn't work out.

Feel the emotions for what they are. Emotions. 

Suffering comes from being stuck in those emotions. Suffering comes from the stories that are created out of the pain. The internal dialogues that continually undermine. In Buddhist terms, it's about attachment. I like that idea. 

I think of my emotions being something like a washing line, strung out in my garden on a warm sunny day. The stories I tell myself about a situation or what I'm feeling are the clothes I hang up to dry on the line. I can do a dark wash and hang negative thoughts, or a white wash - hanging the light things to reflect the sunshine; or I could just do the laundry, let the clothes dry without judging how they look, put them away and enjoy the garden.

What is the appropriate response when dealing with physical pain? Attending to the cause, removing it if possible and healing the injury. Why should the appropriate response be any different to emotional pain? 

*   *   *

Not a terribly seasonal post I know, but that's where my thinking was going and I wanted to write it down. 

The last quarter of 2012 has not been easy. Flow turned to stagnation, in both my work and emotional spheres. This has led to me re-thinking much of what I learnt doing NLP and living in it's aftermath. It's clear to me that I have more to learn. I will not abandon this blog, I will continue to think about Life, the Universe and Everything and post my musings here. I hope you continue to find it useful. 

My wish for you all over the festive season, if indeed you are celebrating it, is that you and yours are happy, safe and well. May 2013 bring you prosperity, good luck, opportunities, love and fun.

Roses
xxx

Going with The Flow

There's been a bit of a debate that raged over in an NLP Facebook page that I frequent. I threw my tuppence worth in and then took a step back. I was somewhat surprised by the vehemence of the argument, but then over the Internet, people will argue their opinions on red onions with the stridency of a fundamentalist religious believer. When it got to that stage, I took a step back and considered the bones of the argument itself.

It was about Positive Mental Attitude.

How about that eh? Who'd have thought people would get all hot under the collar from that?

NLP purists argue that it's your attitude that dictates your reality. Your attitude creates the filters through which you experience life. In other words, if you're an optimist good things are there for you and conversely, if you're a pessimist, Life will give you lemons.

To a certain extent, I think there's a lot of weight to the positive argument. Depending on your filter, you'll see opportunity or difficulty. NLP has quite a few good strategies and techniques to get yourself into a positive state, to give you control over your thinking and emotions. These strategies and techniques are incredibly useful.

I did my NLP training a couple of years ago and since then, my internal experience of Life has been far more enriched and considered. The biggest thing it has given me, is awareness. 

The thing is, I'm not an NLP purist. If you ask me about specific techniques and strategies, I'll have to stop and think about it. I can do it, but it might take me a moment or two. For me, NLP is about flexibility and attitude. 

I spent two months during a summer two years ago, with my father before he died. It was perhaps one of the most profound experiences I've had and it rocked me to the very core. When I returned to my life in Norwich, I went to see someone, who suggested that I'd experienced "challenges". Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a testament to my self-control that I didn't pick up the metal folding chair I was sat on, and beat the man to death with it. Challenges? Really?

It was the trivialising of that profound experience which fuelled my rage. And yes, it was rage. Perhaps a little bit over the top, you might say. Perhaps. I got off the chair and haven't seen him since.

NLP, ultimately is about easing suffering. It's about: not making a bad situation worse.

The problem I have with the strident defenders of Positive Mental Attitude is that they argue that there is no such thing as a "bad situation", it's only "a challenge" that you're failing because of a poor attitude. If you change your state, no problem.

Part of my resistance to the paradigm of Positive Mental Attitude comes from the fact I'm a writer and a Pagan. As a writer I am driven to communicate Life's experiences; as a Pagan, the natural world informs my spirituality. My own experiences include: joy, love, laughter, friendship and also, grief, disappointment, pain. I have suffered. My Life is a rich mix of these things. If I was happy, happy, happy all the time, would my life be as rich?

NLP has meant I experience the lows without fear. In fact, there are days when I positively enjoy my moodiness. I relish my grumpiness. I experience these moods knowing I'm not stuck in them. They pass like the rain in winter.

Nature is a great teacher and many of my Facebook posts reflect the metaphors Nature and Science contributes to life. 

You see, if we are the sapling, we need the sun and rain to flourish. The wind to blow off the leaves and the deadwood. The change in seasons to bring periods of rest and growth. NLP has given me more flexibility. Why would I need it, if there wasn't a stiff wind to bend with?

The stiff wind, the low moments, are all part of Life. For me there is power in these experiences. They are the teachers. Great insight comes from them. Insight, I could not have gained with the highs.

Being able to say to those around me: I'm having a really hard time right now, gave the people around me, the opportunity to give me the comfort I needed. I try to return the favour, sometimes more successfully than others, but I do try. There is a great joy in being able to comfort. It reminds us we are not alone. Sharing compassion and love are rich experiences in themselves.

The Work of Byron Katie and Buddhism continue to inform my learnings. I think of myself as a student of Life, not a teacher. This blog is about sharing my thoughts on my experiences, with a hope that you, my readers might find it a trigger for your own thoughts. I don't have answers, I only have more questions.

Control - to be, or not to be?

There have been three excellent bits of writing which have stopped and made me think this week. It started with Super Coach's Michael Neill's Monday morning e-newsletter and continued with Chris Morris and Stephen Woolston. Each in their own way, talking about Life and the effect our perceptions have upon our experiences. I'd recommend you having a look to see what you think of their work. These are all men who are well experienced and qualified in their areas of expertise.

Me? I'm just throwing in my tuppence worth.

What is reality? How do you perceive it and Life around you? These are the big questions personal and spiritual development try to answer. I say 'try', because I believe there is no one answer, no one way which is right above all others. Ultimately, we all bring to our lives our experiences, hopes and dreams and for me learning is the key.

Being aware of where you are in The Moment, being able to recognise how you are feeling and thinking, is an incredibly powerful place to start. In this, I would follow Richard Bandler's thoughts on leaving out the 'why'. The 'why' can lead into so many justifications which can be a dead-end road. Sometimes we really don't know why. Why people choose to behave the way they do...it's a mystery - all we know is that they did it, and we live with the consequences.

As I wrote that last paragraph, I realised I'm bringing in learnings from Buddhism as well. A bit of detachment and acceptance is part of this process. Being able to let your thoughts be what they are, without judging them, buying into them or believing them gives you more room to manoeuvre. Meditation and trance is a great way to still the mind and to learn how to be. 

My mind is like a troop of chattering monkeys. Any meditation which starts: let your mind be still, go blank...that's a non-starter for me. Instead, I give my mind something else to do. I focus on repeated phrases and I particularly like the meditations from Jack Kornfield in A Path with Heart. 

How much control do you have in your life? This was Michael Neill's question. I think it's a valid one. I like the fact that the point he was raising is that it's okay not to feel or be in control. That giving up on the illusion of control, leaping into the chaos and being well, as you deal with all manner of situations is the authentic response.

Are we really in control? No. I'm with him on this one. I'm not in control of my government, the World, the economy, my family, my lover or my child. I sure as hell can't make them do what I want...believe me, I've tried. That is what Byron Katie calls arguing with reality. And yes, I did and I only lost 100% of the time. Do I control my thoughts? Do I control how I feel? Umm....I can. I've learnt to guide my thinking in certain circumstances, to boost my mood when I've got to do something to meet my responsibilities. But by in large, I'm not blessed with an over-abundance of energy. I've learnt, I don't have to. Things get done, or they don't. 

Mostly, I've learnt to work with my body, work with my thinking, moods and energy levels. It's created more of a flow. I realise now that NLP has given me flexibility and more options. This has been it's greatest gift to me. 

This has been a bit of a ramble. I suppose I don't really have a point, per se. If I do, it's simply this: be well.

Acceptance

Be yourself. Good advice isn't it? But it's not always easy, nor is it as straightforward as it might seem. In daily life we act out different roles: parent, child, sibling, employee, employer, partner... We adjust ourselves to the company we keep. After all, standing out in a crowd is supposed to be good, but mostly we really want just to get along.

If we are surrounded by like-minded people, who share our values, beliefs and goals, it's much easier. They are the glue that holds families and groups together.

Not so easy, if your day-to-day life is living and working with people who are not on the same wavelength. You are forced to choose two options. You conform. You laugh at their jokes, try to look like they do, act like they do, think like they do. Or you rebel. You stand up for yourself, you look different than they do, defend your identity aggressively.

Both options are isolating. If you're acting in your daily life, you draw your energy from illusions and you never really fit in. It's a lie. You're fracturing yourself which causes a whole gamut of unpleasantness: ill health, depression, stress. You're alone in a crowd. You might say what they think, laugh at their jokes, but are still lonely because this fracturing can still be sensed by those around you. They don't believe you and don't entirely trust you because of it.

If you feel like you must constantly defend your identity against people who don't think like you; it's a battle. Conflict is inevitable. You against the world, and boy is the world out to get you. People just don't understand. Teenage rebellion, but in an adult arena.

Here's the thing: life is short. We are like footsteps in the sand: we make brief impressions and then are washed away by the incoming tide. Life is too short to be lying to everyone around you about who you are, or having to defend yourself constantly.

The third way? Sometimes it is better to hold your tongue, to go with the pack. Fighting to be heard is a tiring way to live. Sometimes you do need to stand up for yourself, acknowledge your values, principles and rights. 

It's okay to be you. However you really are. By being yourself, acknowledging your uniqueness, it allows other people to see you for who you really are. And if you're insulted by being yourself, for being different - the person who is trying to hurt you is actually just stating the obvious with malicious intent. If you are comfortable in your own skin, the malicious intent slides away and ultimately, shows their true colours. It actually says nothing about you and everything about them.

Accepting yourself: your strengths, weaknesses, foibles, quirks, humour...all of it, means you know who you really are. You know what works and what doesn't in your life. After all, you're living the reality of it. It's not a quick fix. Life has a funny way of throwing up situations, you weren't expecting and shaking your resolve. Plans can fly out the window in the face of challenges. 

There are over 7 billion people now living on this planet. It's okay to be you. In fact, by being the most you, you can be, you'll inspire the people around you. I figure we need more authentic, switched on, aware and inspiring people. So speak your truth, live your life the best way you can. 

Because Life is short. Get out there and Live it!

Taking Time Out

Sometimes we need different things: a kick up the back side, a hug from a friend, silence, excitement, stimulation, hard work. It's important to recognise, acknowledge and meet your needs. At the moment, I need some time to reflect and to re-energise.

Yes, I could change my state, wind myself up and go forth and be fabulous. But at the moment, quiet contemplation is where I'm at.

It's too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life and to expend a huge amount of energy being busy and productive. 

The thing is, if you don't look after yourself, you're not going to be able to meet your responsibilities at home, at work or to your family. Looking after yourself isn't selfish. It's necessary. There are some things that really can wait 5 minutes.

Stop for a minute.

Feel your breath as it enters and leaves your body. What does your body need right now? It needs your next breath. That's all. In this instant, that's all that matters. 

The sun will rise tomorrow, the earth will dance through the universe.

These things happen whilst we are breathing.

It's hard at the moment. I don't know anyone who isn't carrying worry. Who isn't concerned about their finances, their loved ones, their health and wellbeing. I see it in the faces of the people on the street, as they drive to work in the morning, as they try and keep it together. If we're finding Life a bit hard, maybe it's time to find compassion for ourselves, so we can be compassionate to other people.

We're all trying to figure out what we're doing here on this Earth. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't. And do you know what - that's okay. It's okay to be confused, worried and scared.

But tomorrow, the sun will rise and the earth will continue to dance around the universe.

Every day is a new beginning.

So taking some time to breathe, to relax; it means you'll be better able to deal with what lies in front of you. It's not self-indulgence; it's necessary. Even if it's a few minutes every day just sitting, staring out the window and being aware as the breath enters and leaves your body.

Be well darlings.

A New Look

Lighthouse image supplied by Stuart Monk

All round awesome photographer

I have had a bit of a revamp.

What do you think? Do you like?

I've spent the morning going through my blogs and choosing new designs, tightening up the side-bars and generally tidying up. I like it, but I would value your feedback, because this blog is not just about me and what I think.

Also, if you work in personal development as a coach, mentor, NLP Practitioner or are a therapist of a particular flavour, send me your link and it would be my pleasure to add your website/blog to the Lighting My Way section. 

Blogging is as much about building an internet community, as it is about being a platform for one's voice. There's a reason this blog is called The Lighthouse Network.