Which Way is Up?

Within the Meta Model in NLP, there's a couple of interesting concepts in the way people have a sliding scale of referencing their beliefs either internally or externally. In other words, do people look outside of themselves for their truths, or do they base their decisions and actions on what they think and feel? Hands up if you've ever had lunch with an externally referencing person, they go around the table asking everyone what they're having before making their decision about what they're going to eat (and are usually unhappy with their choice).

Actually, I have been that person. 

I have been the person who reality checks things with other people, rather than trusting my own judgement. The problem with this approach is manyfold. For a start, you have to trust that the people around you fully understands what's happening and they have to have your best interests at heart. I've been very lucky, I have been able to trust the judgement of those closest to me. 

But by far the biggest problem with this, is the lack of trust in myself. When I was going outside of myself for wisdom, what I was really saying is that I didn't trust myself to make the best decisions for me. This reinforces feelings of worthlessness and envy. Neither of which are of any use.

Things really began to shift for me, the more time I spent sitting with my feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant they were. But the real change came when I started to accept myself, when I stopped giving myself a hard time, when I started enjoying spending time on my own.

Accepting yourself is one of the easiest things to say...and one of the hardest things to do. It means you take responsibility for yourself fully and you stand by the good, bad and ugly decisions you've made. It's a process, not the destination. Because, like everyone else, you still have days you wish would never end, and the days when you regret opening your eyes and getting out of bed. It means you take control of your internal dialogue, you catch the thoughts where you undermine yourself. It means you start owning up to the great things you do, the goodness in your Life and start taking pride in your accomplishments, no matter how seemingly trivial.

The trouble with constantly referencing externally, is that whilst you're stuck in that mentality, it's easy to slip into believing that other people have it much easier than you, that people have better and more fulfilling jobs, that other couples have better relationships; you slip into sour grapes.

Personally, I don't see the sense in that kind of thinking and it confounds me when I do see it. I think it's narrow and mean-spirited. I'm having enough challenges with my Life as it is, I sure as heck wouldn't want someone else's Life and their problems. You might think that other people have it easy, but in my experience those other peoples' Perfect Lives are their own personal Hells. 

I've also got too much to be getting on with to worry about what other people are doing. The time spent bitching about other people, could be spent in more pleasurable pursuits. Like hugging. Hugging and cuddling are the best remedies for feeling crap. Or going for a walk. Or just taking a few moments to breathe deeply. The attitude of gratitude is a fantastic remedy. Because once you start counting your blessings, you'll find it difficult to stop, even when the going gets challenging. Learning to be kind to yourself allows you to be kind to other people and about other people.

And I don't know about you, but I sure as hell think the World could do with more kindness.

Chatting to The English Sisters

A couple of weeks ago, the lovely English Sisters asked whether I'd 'meet' them for a Chat-View. I was so pleased to be asked. And excited! It was the first time I've been interviewed for this work.


I came away from this energised and inspired!


Here's the link:

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Kindness

Because that's what kindness is.  It's not doing something for someone else because they can't, but because you can. Andrew Iskander

The thing I've never gotten over, and I hope I never do, is how kind the people in my Life have been to me. In my darkest hours, the kindness of strangers has helped more than I believe they ever realised. It's come from people you wouldn't expect. I certainly didn't and I was grateful to receive it. The reason I've never gotten over it, is simple. The acts of kindness given to me have enabled me to survive, to grow, to blossom. In short, it's only through kindness that I have the Life I have longed for.


Kindness from strangers: a smile, an act of courtesy, a helping hand, a five minute passing time conversation, an encouraging comment on my blog or on Facebook; they all add up. Strangers become friends. 


It's a vastly under-rated virtue. Where do you see it on the wish-list in the dating profiles? Is it there next to good sense of humour, good looking? It took me awhile to figure out that it's one of my main requirements in my relationships...and I don't mean just with men. Kindness must be the cornerstone of all relationships, both with yourself and with other people.


It's impossible to hold on to anger with someone else if you're kind. It's impossible to be horrid to yourself, if you're gentle with yourself.


Kindness is not by any means weakness. Some people get the two mixed up. More fool them. Kindness is also the swift kick up the backside to encourage movement, growth and to halt stupidity. Yes, I've had a few of them too. They've been hard to take. But then, what I did to myself and other people was worse. Kindness in the face of anger and rejection is hard to do, but so worthwhile.


I don't believe this World is going to Hell in a handbasket. I've been shown far too much caring, compassion and kindness for this outcome to be a given. Can you imagine how much things would change if we were kind to each other on a global level? Perhaps soldiers would put down their weapons, pick bandages and heal wounds instead...and their governments would let them. I don't believe anyone ever got PTSD from kindness.


But let's get real for a minute, how much can one act of kindness change things for everyone? You'd be surprised how kindness ripples out. I was taught kindness and now I try to pass it on. If I've smiled at someone in the street, perhaps I lighten their day, perhaps when they go home, they hug the person they love? Perhaps the person they love goes into work the next morning a little bit lighter? Why not? And what's wrong with that?


Life is hard. That's a universal truth, whoever you are. If you accept that, you've then got two choices: you can fight - yourself and other people, or you can do what you can to lighten yours and other peoples' burdens. It doesn't mean you need to don robes and shave your head, in fact unless you receive a spiritual calling, it's probably not a good idea. It just means that you bring a little kindness to your daily life.


I suppose I'm not interested in small details. I'm interested in the big stuff, which is why I tend to blog. It gives me the scope to explore these ideas. It explains in part why I became an NLP Practitioner, though I suspect that's a whole other blog post.