Personal Development Guru or Human Being

An article earlier on in the week, about Paul McKenna battling depression, sparked a heated debate on a Facebook, NLP wall. The debate itself didn't surprise me too much, but it did stay with me.

The debate was polarised into two camps: the first being - he's human after all and the second, quite vociferous - he had no right being depressed, he's supposed to be a guru.

The whole thing resonates with me because it's a bit of battle I wage within myself. Given the really quite poor choices I made in the past, what right do I have to say don't do this? My life and personal history has been far from drama-free...most of which was self-inflicted. How on earth do I guide people, knowing that I've done the same or worse myself? 

It also brings peoples' expectations of their personal development guides to the forefront.

It seems they are not allowed to make mistakes, or to have bad days, or to go through the trials and tribulations that all human beings go through.

Part of this is to do with expectations created within the media - politicians, actors and people who work within the public sphere often fall short of these high expectations. The Press and society tuts loudly in disapproval when the latest scandal breaks. The person we all thought was perfect fails again.

Personally, I can't trust someone who is totally charismatic and maintains an aura of permanent good cheer and/or other worldliness. In the personal development world, there are quite a few with the perfect facade. Their work borders on cult, as they wind their 'followers' up into a frenzy, charge them loads of money and head out to the next seminar/CD/book/DVD, breeding more dependence.

My problem with the 'always happy', 'always positive' persona is that it's not authentic. I don't care if the person I'm learning from doesn't have The Perfect Life. In fact, I'd rather know that they understand what it's like to hit rock bottom and have had to claw their way back to the sunshine. That they've used their own teachings to sort their own shit out.

But I suspect, I'm in the minority here.

And therein lies the problem for me trying to set up my own Personal Development business. 

I'm not willing to create a Perfect Life facade. I just can't do it. And if that's what it takes, well, I'm walking away. I have recently had some amazingly shitty days. I have felt honest-to-goodness despair, frustration and have disliked myself intensely. And it's all out there. I've vented on Facebook, twitter and Google +. So in 10 years time one of my clients could do some digging and find me effing and blinding about how crap things are - cue one disappointed person.

I've learnt some great skills, there is wisdom which I am trying very hard to incorporate into my daily life. Perhaps, I am still a student and will never become a teacher. I'm cool with that. I do still have so much to learn. I am up for sharing what I've learnt. If my life's work is to be the terrible warning, rather than the shining example, so be it.

I want to lead an authentic life. And that means owning the down days, the crap decisions, the days I don't like myself very much. 

On an end note, I feel for Paul McKenna. It's hard losing a parent. It must be so much worse never to be able acknowledge the pain and loss, to have to keep the facade going. I have much more respect for him now, because he was able to say it, like it was. Good on him.

Embracing the Power of 'No'

It occurred to me as I was driving home today that in the personal development, we focus on the positive. During my training, it was drummed home to me that the unconscious does not hear the negative, to use positive language only during hypnosis. Even my recent book review 'Begin with Yes' was all about the positive.


Today, I am thinking about my experience and the Power of No.


NO.


In itself, it's a very simple word. Two letters only. But the stories it brings with it are immensely complicated...and painful.


I started hearing NO from my mother. No, don't touch. No, you can't have sweeties now. No, you can't go play with...you get the picture. But somewhere along the line it becomes No with additional subtext.


People say No and then a whole backstory is added, as if by magic. No, I don't want to go out with you, turns into No, you're boring, unloveable, undesirable and I don't like you. No, suddenly becomes a scary word. No, suddenly means I don't love you or I don't like you or I think you're a horrible person. And then it subtly changes, only other people are allowed to say No. After all, your parents said No to you, but you aren't allowed to say No to them. If you say No, you are a bad person and if you're a bad person, no one will love you, no one will want to be your friend.


Suddenly, No becomes all about rejection and powerlessness and helplessness. Hearing No and saying No are obviously two very different experiences. I would strongly argue that both are equally difficult, but for very different reasons.


Saying No is actually saying Yes, but to something else. For example No, I don't want to go to the pub with you; Yes I want to stay in my comfy clothes and watch crap on tv. 


Hearing No means that you have to adjust your plans, desires and behaviours. No, I don't want to go to the pub with you, becomes 'Damn. I have to either decide to stay in and watch tv with you, or go to the pub myself.' A frivolous example, but you see where I'm coming from?


Let's look at it using more serious examples:


No, I don't want to be with you as a lover, or friend because...[insert reasons here]


Ladies and Gentlemen, hold up your hands if you've never, ever had that experience. I don't care who you are, how enlightened you are...that experience of No, sucks. In fact, I'd go so far as to say: it totally sucks arse.


I will hold my hand up and say I have had my fair share of hearing No. I have heard No from people who should have loved and cherished me...and they didn't. I've had No from people who said they loved me and still said No. I have spent hours, days, weeks and months trying to get them to say Yes. And guess what, they never did. Even when they said Yes, it wasn't really a Yes. It was still No in the end.


The deaths of my parents taught me many valuable lessons. One of which was 'what's the worst thing that can happen?'


So someone says No, I don't want to be with you. I have learnt to think 'okay, I'll go spend time with the people who do want to be with me.' I stopped filling in the back-story for the other person, hearing No, reminds me there are other options. I feel hurt. What I do with it, well that's up to me. I can invite the Self-Pity Gnome in and we can have a great party together. I can choose to do something else. And there is always something else to do, other people to go and hang out with, other choices to be made, if I'm feeling up for it.


I have found in my experience, that the biggest, most unpleasant and hurtful Nos, have been blessings. It might have taken awhile to pick myself up off the floor, grab my self-esteem and head for the other options, but looking back on those people...if they'd have said Yes, it would have been a complete nightmare. A disaster. And I wouldn't be sitting here contemplating the Power of No.

Blinkers Off

"I don't think that the expression that we're not given more than we can handle refers to just the tragedies in our lives. If you can't handle the good stuff, if you can't handle money, or a good relationship or success, you're not going to get it. It will only be given to you when you can handle it." 

Oprah Winfrey

I have been thinking quite a bit about Abundance and Impoverishment recently. I have not finished properly thinking things through, so you'll have to excuse my muddled thinking.


I love the concept of Abundance. One could argue, if one believed in those things, that my thinking comes from my star sign: Taurus. If there's a more self-indulgent star sign, that is more focused on pleasure in all it's forms, I'll eat my hat. Or, it could be as a result of my faith: paganism celebrates everything from the full-moon to birthdays. Any excuse, we're out there with food, drink, incense and candles, dancing and singing and having a lot of fun, giving thanks. The great thing about Abundance is that there's more than enough for everyone: love, laughter, money.


Yep. You read that right. Money.


Because what is money? It's a concept. It's not a thing like tables and chairs, or even rocks. It's the consensus of what something is worth whether it's the time you exchange for your labour, or for an ounce of gold. And if there's not enough of it...well governments have been known to print more. Before the economists amongst you jump up and down and start pelting me with eggs...hear me out and then pelt me. Money is an idea. It's a belief. As a belief system, it's pretty weird. If ever you want to create havoc in your personal/familial relationships, throw money into the equation and watch it bring out the worst in people.


There seems to be the general consensus that there just isn't enough Money and Love to go around in the world.


Really?


I would argue that it's the poverty of thought and of belief, that is more insidious than any red numbers in a bank account.


If money is an idea, then poverty is a fundamental lack of imagination. It's the inability to see the riches available. 


The impoverishment of imagination causes so much of the heartache I see playing out around me. People feeling they need to fight for every crumb of love, permanently afraid and turning the fear into anger so they don't have to deal with the root cause of it all. Attempting to hoard love, withhold it, control it and in their despair, to destroy it.


The thing is, love is like money. It's an idea. It's a construct, the shape of which we all have our assumptions. Therefore, all that's needed is to unleash our imagination and start dreaming big dreams.


It's not enough to dream big dreams, the power from Abundance thinking comes from the action which it inspires: compassion, generosity, charity, gentleness, kindness. 


And here's where we could get stuck, by responding 'yeah, but Life isn't like that', 'it's not the way it is', 'it's hopeless'. At the root of those statements my dears, is the fear that we are not entitled to good things. And here we come to Oprah's quote. If you don't think you deserve or the good stuff, success, you won't see the wealth that's already in front of you. I like the thinking that says: wealth isn't only about money, wealth is about friendships, significant relationships, and the things you are grateful for.


I will have to come back to this. My brain hurts.