Which Way is Up?

Within the Meta Model in NLP, there's a couple of interesting concepts in the way people have a sliding scale of referencing their beliefs either internally or externally. In other words, do people look outside of themselves for their truths, or do they base their decisions and actions on what they think and feel? Hands up if you've ever had lunch with an externally referencing person, they go around the table asking everyone what they're having before making their decision about what they're going to eat (and are usually unhappy with their choice).

Actually, I have been that person. 

I have been the person who reality checks things with other people, rather than trusting my own judgement. The problem with this approach is manyfold. For a start, you have to trust that the people around you fully understands what's happening and they have to have your best interests at heart. I've been very lucky, I have been able to trust the judgement of those closest to me. 

But by far the biggest problem with this, is the lack of trust in myself. When I was going outside of myself for wisdom, what I was really saying is that I didn't trust myself to make the best decisions for me. This reinforces feelings of worthlessness and envy. Neither of which are of any use.

Things really began to shift for me, the more time I spent sitting with my feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or unpleasant they were. But the real change came when I started to accept myself, when I stopped giving myself a hard time, when I started enjoying spending time on my own.

Accepting yourself is one of the easiest things to say...and one of the hardest things to do. It means you take responsibility for yourself fully and you stand by the good, bad and ugly decisions you've made. It's a process, not the destination. Because, like everyone else, you still have days you wish would never end, and the days when you regret opening your eyes and getting out of bed. It means you take control of your internal dialogue, you catch the thoughts where you undermine yourself. It means you start owning up to the great things you do, the goodness in your Life and start taking pride in your accomplishments, no matter how seemingly trivial.

The trouble with constantly referencing externally, is that whilst you're stuck in that mentality, it's easy to slip into believing that other people have it much easier than you, that people have better and more fulfilling jobs, that other couples have better relationships; you slip into sour grapes.

Personally, I don't see the sense in that kind of thinking and it confounds me when I do see it. I think it's narrow and mean-spirited. I'm having enough challenges with my Life as it is, I sure as heck wouldn't want someone else's Life and their problems. You might think that other people have it easy, but in my experience those other peoples' Perfect Lives are their own personal Hells. 

I've also got too much to be getting on with to worry about what other people are doing. The time spent bitching about other people, could be spent in more pleasurable pursuits. Like hugging. Hugging and cuddling are the best remedies for feeling crap. Or going for a walk. Or just taking a few moments to breathe deeply. The attitude of gratitude is a fantastic remedy. Because once you start counting your blessings, you'll find it difficult to stop, even when the going gets challenging. Learning to be kind to yourself allows you to be kind to other people and about other people.

And I don't know about you, but I sure as hell think the World could do with more kindness.

Small Moments of Beauty

Sometimes it's the little things that we feel the most grateful for: Like a cup of coffee, a glimpse of sunshine on a cloudy day, an unexpected smile. And when we remember that we can actually create these small moments for others, our power to do good is unleashed and the world is literally changed in an instant. 

Paul Boynton - Begin with Yes

I'm a big fan of Paul's Facebook page. His messages are pertinent and timely. And this one, particularly struck a chord.

When my father was dying in Trinidad, I would stand outside in my brother's back yard and smoke like a train. As I stood there desperately trying to keep focused in the present, trying not to despair, keeping it together, I looked around and found beauty.

It was sometimes subtle: a butterfly, a small lizard darting amongst the plants or fire flies blinking in the darkness. It was sometimes spectacular: a flock of parrots raucously chatting to each other as they flew around the neighbourhood. Let me tell you, 1 parrot makes a whole heap of noise, a flock of 15-20...well, they are deafening.

Beauty was there. It reminded me that we are all part of this Life together, held by something more wonderful than we can imagine.

Back home in the real world. I carried on my 'normal' life. 

Sometimes, I need reminders that the beauty and wonder is still there. I have to make time to look. But they are still there: a furry caterpillar undulating up a sprig of lavender, the bright waning moon.

What moments of beauty can you find today? This is my challenge to you. Especially, if you're feeling tired, low and fed-up. What's there waiting for you to see? I'd really appreciate it if you'd share. 

Personal Development Guru or Human Being

An article earlier on in the week, about Paul McKenna battling depression, sparked a heated debate on a Facebook, NLP wall. The debate itself didn't surprise me too much, but it did stay with me.

The debate was polarised into two camps: the first being - he's human after all and the second, quite vociferous - he had no right being depressed, he's supposed to be a guru.

The whole thing resonates with me because it's a bit of battle I wage within myself. Given the really quite poor choices I made in the past, what right do I have to say don't do this? My life and personal history has been far from drama-free...most of which was self-inflicted. How on earth do I guide people, knowing that I've done the same or worse myself? 

It also brings peoples' expectations of their personal development guides to the forefront.

It seems they are not allowed to make mistakes, or to have bad days, or to go through the trials and tribulations that all human beings go through.

Part of this is to do with expectations created within the media - politicians, actors and people who work within the public sphere often fall short of these high expectations. The Press and society tuts loudly in disapproval when the latest scandal breaks. The person we all thought was perfect fails again.

Personally, I can't trust someone who is totally charismatic and maintains an aura of permanent good cheer and/or other worldliness. In the personal development world, there are quite a few with the perfect facade. Their work borders on cult, as they wind their 'followers' up into a frenzy, charge them loads of money and head out to the next seminar/CD/book/DVD, breeding more dependence.

My problem with the 'always happy', 'always positive' persona is that it's not authentic. I don't care if the person I'm learning from doesn't have The Perfect Life. In fact, I'd rather know that they understand what it's like to hit rock bottom and have had to claw their way back to the sunshine. That they've used their own teachings to sort their own shit out.

But I suspect, I'm in the minority here.

And therein lies the problem for me trying to set up my own Personal Development business. 

I'm not willing to create a Perfect Life facade. I just can't do it. And if that's what it takes, well, I'm walking away. I have recently had some amazingly shitty days. I have felt honest-to-goodness despair, frustration and have disliked myself intensely. And it's all out there. I've vented on Facebook, twitter and Google +. So in 10 years time one of my clients could do some digging and find me effing and blinding about how crap things are - cue one disappointed person.

I've learnt some great skills, there is wisdom which I am trying very hard to incorporate into my daily life. Perhaps, I am still a student and will never become a teacher. I'm cool with that. I do still have so much to learn. I am up for sharing what I've learnt. If my life's work is to be the terrible warning, rather than the shining example, so be it.

I want to lead an authentic life. And that means owning the down days, the crap decisions, the days I don't like myself very much. 

On an end note, I feel for Paul McKenna. It's hard losing a parent. It must be so much worse never to be able acknowledge the pain and loss, to have to keep the facade going. I have much more respect for him now, because he was able to say it, like it was. Good on him.

The Adventurer

via Begin Within, Facebook

It never ceases to amaze me, how a different perspective can really change things. A different view on an old problem, can bring about resolution; and things shift from then on incredibly quickly.

A lot of the work I've been doing has been about bringing my focus into the Present. 

Taking it away from the Past, because that's been and done, and obsessing about it, doesn't resolve what actually happened. It happened. And the best thing about it is the fact that it's done! Because it's done, I don't have to relieve the situation, the feelings all over again. 

Bringing my focus away from the Future. It hasn't happened yet. My focus was full of fear: what ifs, disasters lurking in the bushes, people waiting to stomp all over me, a vision of me being a mad old woman with cats all by myself.

All of this fear from the Past, worry about the Future, really buggers up the Present. It's hard to enjoy your next breath if you're in such pain. It's hard to see the people trying to love you when you're busy being angry about the stuff that happened so long ago. It's hard to be hopeful when you believe that you're doomed to repeat the patterns of the past. There really is no point.

The realisation that the Past and Future are mere constructs. They don't really exist except in the recesses of the mind, is so liberating. Their power to limit and constrict diminishes, with the realisation that it's all about attitude. Byron Katie has been instrumental in adjusting my thinking about reality. Her Work has honed and refined what Richard Bandler started. Have a look what she says about arguing with reality: you only lose 100% of the time. And as for Bandler, he's all about blowing limiting beliefs out of the water. If your life is determined by your perspective (is your glass half-full, half-empty or are you getting a jug to fill it up with?), then why not choose the perspective where you have fun?

Allowing the fear, pain and disappointment of the Past and Future, gives you the freedom of the Present. Everything becomes possible.

If you accept the Freedom of your Life, doesn't that make you an adventurer? Every day has surprises, beauty, laughter in it because it unfolds without your expectation. Nothing is disappointing.

Being the adventurer doesn't mean Life becomes Easy. 

It's funny, but when I've talked to people about this, 'easy' tends to come up in the conversation.

"It's easy for you to say that, it's not so easy to do."

I do wonder about where this expectation came from. Who said it would be Easy? And since when is Easy better? Bluntly, the expectation that personal development work should be Easy, is lazy thinking. It's lazy thinking coming from a place of weariness and despair. Nothing grows out of weariness and despair; only more of the same. It's impossible to be an adventurer if you stay at home in the same old, same old. It requires action, a willingness to try, to experiment. And when you're exhausted by your Life and it's limitations, it all starts with inspiration.

What inspires you? What excites you? What pleasures you?

My Facebook friend Paul Boynton, has a fabulous framework for getting you moving, it's called Begin with Yes.

And if you're trying a new way of thinking, a new perspective, a new way of living, it's bound to be a bit clunky at first. It's called learning, which means unless you are a savant, you've got to practice, work hard to catch the old patterns of thought until the new stuff beds in and becomes second nature.

Think this isn't possible? When you were a small child and you had to tie your own shoe laces by yourself for the first time...didn't it take you a few goes before you get it right? Worst case scenario is you end up with loads of grannie knots to stop your shoes from falling off - as long as you can keep going, tie them up again if they become loose...it's all that counts.

Where is your adventure going to take you?

In Search of: Love

Love does not cause suffering; what causes it is the sense of ownership, which is love's opposite. 

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I spend a lot of time thinking about Love. Part of this fascination comes from my curiosity about relationships and the way people relate to each other, part of it is due to my romantic and idealistic nature; and then, there's the spiritual questor and philosopher in me that can't resist.

Apparently, there are lots of different kinds of love: familial, platonic, unconditional, conditional, romantic, religious, self-love etc. People really do like sticking things into boxes. As if it makes it any easier to understand.

We could start from the beginning. Love is a feeling. When a person experiences this emotion, their system is flooded with happy hormones which makes the sun shine brighter, their smile even wider. The absence of love causes all manner of physical and emotional problems. Children have been known to wither and die without it; growing up in an un-loving environment creates shocks that may take years to over-come and some people never do. Living without love can create a state of un-health and non-wellbeing.

The personal development industry moves to address these issues and it's so saddening to see the genuine suffering of so many. And all from the poverty of emotional experience. It seems to be the root cause of so much unhappiness.

I wonder if by trying to define Love causes part of the suffering? Or if it is more the lack of expression and acknowledgment? Sometimes I think people say "I love you" and there's so much more attached at the end of the sentence. The full-stop at the end of "I love you" is actually a colon and what comes after is a litany of expectation, demands and conditions.

I wonder what would happen if people say "I love you", enforced that full-stop and breathed through the silence.

Wouldn't this keep things really simple? Love would just be, what it is; with acceptance, reverence and joy. Just to be able to be acknowledged, for itself. I think there would be so much freedom: freedom to be yourself completely. There would be freedom from pain, because there's no disappointment, no lack, no expectation, no judgement. Nothing to cause discomfort.

And of course, Love is free to be expressed and experienced universally. Because, if you're not expecting love to be fulfilled by one individual - you are experiencing Love for yourself, so you don't need them to love you back, or even from a human being, you are free to experience Love all around you. You see it in your pets' eyes when they look into yours. You lavish it on your home, your economic endeavours, your community...there is so much abundance. 

I am Love; you are Love; we live in Love. 

How simple it is really, how incredibly complicated we try to make things.

Our soul journey then is the quest to come back to this simple state of being: joy.

Definitions

After a particularly unsuccessful relationship, I took away a couple insights that I've found particularly useful and will share with you today. 

When I started writing essays for the various humanities subjects I studies, I was taught to state the definitions of the words I was using to formulate my argument. It's a standard part of academic writing and beginning your argument with clear frameworks means that you're less likely to go wandering off into the intellectual wilderness and never find your way home. It sets up your thinking, which informs your argument (because all essays are supposed to be arguments).

Please let me make it clear, I believe relationships are not arguments.

I do believe in communication within relationships (oh yeah, and I'm using relationships in the broadest sense of the word, not just loving, intimate relationships). I believe in communication, mostly because my own telepathy is pretty rubbish, and sometimes people do things which confuse and may make perfect sense to them...but leaves me scratching my head. Rather than try to rationalise or create stories around someone's actions, I'd rather ask.

When I first start getting to know someone, I like to find out their definitions of things. Firstly, because I'm nosy, I remain deeply interested in how people create their realities. Being a writer and an NLP Practitioner...only adds to this nosiness. The definitions people use reveal the frameworks for their thinking, it reveals how they construct their world and it because as human beings there will be tension between what they want and what they do.

I find people endlessly fascinating.

When you know where people are coming from, what their core values are, where their beliefs lie, you've got the foundations for a strong friendship or loving relationship.

I have found this to be very useful when talking about the vague words we use all the time. Consider 'love', 'friendship' and 'relationship'. 

It all sounds straightforward doesn't it? Not quite.

Using someone's definition assumes a couple of things: firstly, they are articulate and self-aware and secondly, that they will always follow through on their definitions.

You see, there exists a kind of schism between what I would like to be, as a person and what  I actually do. Within my behaviours there are paradoxes, anomalies and contradictions. And that's what makes human beings endlessly fascinating to me.

And what do I trust, when someone's behaviour and action are not joined up?

I trust the action. Always.

And I trust how their actions make me feel.

I once dated someone who claimed to be 'into me, big-time'. Yet, he was always late. He was stingy emotionally and he'd change/downgrade our plans at the last minute. I'd gently broach the subject, he'd say 'baby, you're fun and hot, of course I want to be with you.' I'd leave the conversations feeling insecure. In the end, I called things off.

I don't particularly like being called 'baby'. I'm a grown woman with a long and lanky teenager. I've gone past the age where being called 'baby' is cute.

And I didn't like how I felt around him.

And that was the other big lesson I've learnt in relationships.

It's not how I feel about someone, which I take most notice of now. It's how the other person makes me feel when we're together and when we're apart. But we'll maybe talk about that another time. 

So, has that been useful for you? What are your definitions? What are your partner's definitions? How do you resolve the differences?

Desire

Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.

Mario Andretti

What do you want?
What would you like?
What do you need?
What do you desire?


Small innocuous questions aren't they? Bet they've got big resonance for you. Have you noticed the difference in the intensity when you ask yourself these questions?


I find them incredibly useful in goal setting. When you start trying to fill in the columns, you come to realise that the things you thought you wanted...well...those really live on the Like Section, the things you thought you needed...you start scratching your head and asking why and as for the things you desire...


How often do you feel desire? Wanton desire? And no, I'm not talking about sex. I am talking about the salivating mouth, churning, got to have/do this thing or you're going to explode! When did you last feel like that?


I bet you felt it when you were a small child, prepared to throw yourself on the floor and scream with the frustration of not having/doing the thing. Hopefully, you were encouraged not to share your emotions in quite such a loud and disruptive manner. Hopefully, you don't do that any more.


But, when you stop and consider, when did you want something that badly in your adult life? Did the fear of disappointment take over? Did you start to think desire was a bad thing because you might not get it? Do you talk yourself out of wanting something because if you get it...it might not live up to your expectations?


Mario Andretti talks about determination and commitment as being key to success, desire being the mere starting point. I'm not sure I agree with him. I think it's desire that feeds and fans the flames of determination and commitment. Because, let's face facts here: Life doesn't always hand you the things you want. Sometimes, in order to get what you desire you have to dig deep into your resources, your determination and get up off the floor to carry on moving  towards your goal. There are shifts along the way to be made, sometimes the path to a goal is a long and winding road. Life may insist on adjustments.


In personal development terms, the safer version of desire is motivation. It's less primitive, more in control. 


But, I'm not sure about this whole control thing either. No, I'm not talking about the control that stops a person from committing mass murder; people, that's a good thing. I'm talking about that part of you that's afraid to let go of safety. There is no safety in nature, there are no guarantees either. So doesn't it boil down to 'Why not?'


What do you think? Tell me your experience of desire (not sex, please. This is *not* that kind of blog) and how did it work out for you? Are you working towards your goal? Did you have to change your plan? What is it like for you?