The Attitude of Gratitude

The lovely Savannah posted this today and I wanted to share this with you (if any of you are still here).

Coupled with this address by Joss Whedon, it kind of sums up where I am and where I think health and happiness lies - gratitude and self-acceptance.

I adored Whedon's take on contradiction. 

Contradiction is where the interesting things in Life happen. 

The most interesting people I've ever met have been filled with contradiction and paradox. 

In the last few months, I put NLP and self-help and personal development to one side. I've taken down my twitter and Facebook page. My focus has been on getting my life in order. My life is changing and I wanted to sit with the many changes going on with as little interference as possible.

I have been trying to live with as little interference as possible.

My interference and others.

It's been a huge freedom for me to realise that I don't need to interfere with my thinking, or my being. Learning not to interfere has not come easily to me. I've always been a Change Things kind of girl. Now I'm an Acceptance kind of woman. I'm learning (note it's a work in progress) that I don't need to change anything in me, or anything with someone else, or the world. I can't. 

Given that I have a degree in Development Studies (change the world) and I'm a licensed NLP Practitioner (change other people and myself), you see this is a mammoth task for me.

News Agencies and social media tell me, the World is going down the Toilet, if only someone would just bloody flush already. My daily experience is: I love my Boy, he loves me back. I love my partner, he loves me back. My friends and I try to be the best friends we can for each other. The people in the city in which I live are on the whole, good people. We all have good/bad/indifferent days together. On Facebook and twitter, it's pretty much the same.

I resolved the contradiction by being grateful. I keep an eye on the news, but I don't invite it into my brain or my psyche. My first stop is my direct experience and I chose the good things over the negative.

Ranting doesn't seem as much fun as it used to. Ranting at the world, politics, men, women, big corporations. Anyway, no one listens when you shout angry words. Yes, I occasionally have enjoyed a bloody good argument over the internet. But I got bored of listening to myself argue. Because that's the only person who was listening to me. The other person was busy listening to themselves and their arguments. Nothing I ranted at them made any difference.

So I've been doing different things instead. I find I am happy and content through the good days, bad days and indifferent days. It's all good.

Reality Blog Award

Ladies and gentlemen, I was nominated for the Reality Blog Award by the lovely Jane Risdon. Rather than repeat myself badly over here, I've completed it and made my own nominations on my personal blog journeying.

Please click here to see the answers to some of life's most difficult questions! And don't forget to drop in and visit Jane, she'd love to see you.

The Lighthouse Network

I have been having a long think about being an NLP Practitioner, being a coach/mentor and how that fits into my world view.

The fact of the matter is I have an interesting set of skills and experiences, which means I can guide people towards the life they want. My belief that people can learn different coping strategies, they can change the way they deal with problems, remains unshakable. Can I create a financially sustainable business based on this? No. And truth be known, I don't want to.

It's not that I have anything against money. In fact, I rather like it. Currently, I'm far better spending it, than earning it.

However, the people I enjoy most working with are the people who are starting out on their creative path, or are setting up a small business. I love being around people with vision and who are determined to carve their own niche in the tree. Creative people, who look at life from a totally different perspective and who translate their vision into words or things. People who really can't afford to pay for something as fluffy as a coach/mentor/NLP Practitioner. 

I just don't have the heart to market myself. I really don't. 

There are so many fine NLP Practitioners etc out there, doing brilliant work, I don't think the world needs my half-arsed efforts. My path has changed. I am pursuing my writing and really enjoying it. That's where my energy is going these days.

However, I see so many great people, doing amazing things to change peoples' lives out there, I am going to continue passing their wisdom on. This is still the place where l write about Life, the Universe and Living Well.

I hope you continue to join me here.

"It's okay, I've got this."

It seems like the thought for the day is Fear. A couple of conversations and a blog post, all before my third cup of coffee this morning, point in this direction. As I've dedicated 2013 to the Flow, that's what I'm going to explore with you today.

Fear

Four small letters; big, big emotional and physical response.

Let's start with the basics. What is fear? At it's core, fear is the physical response to a thought or a situation. Fear is experienced through sweating palms, heightened heart rate, rush of adrenaline. What fear feels like, well, that is an entirely subjective experience. Some people experience nausea, their vision goes, bladder and bowels loosen. At its extreme, it's debilitating.

Human beings are born with two fears: falling and loud noises. 

The rest we learn along the way. Human beings are learning animals, that's what ensures our survival. Experience is our greatest teacher. Touch fire, it hurts. Great big things hurtling towards you, likely to be very painful, get out the way.

Fear, is a safety mechanism. It's essential to our survival. If we didn't heed the fear when considering whether it would be a good thing to step into a cage with a tiger, unless we knew what we were doing, we'd be tiger fodder. 

Fear keeps us safe.

When it's taken to extremes, that's when the trouble starts.

Phobias are an example of this. When I was doing my NLP training I met people who weren't only afraid of spiders, they were terrified of the thought of spiders. They would think 'spider' and then have a meltdown. They could see a picture of a spider and have a physiological response. 

Let's begin with the assumption that every fear has a purpose - to keep us safe - then must come the query: in a country where there are no poisonous spiders and they do nothing but make webs to be dusted, is this an appropriate response?

The answer has to be no. An emotional meltdown at the thought of a spider is not appropriate. Happily, the phobia techniques that NLP teaches enables people who suffer to ditch their fears and put them in their proper place, not remove it all together (that would be a Bad Thing). 

The thing that I really like about NLP is that it puts fear in it's proper place. It's a physiological response, a necessary survival mechanism; a practitioner's goal is to bring the emotional response into appropriate boundaries. I would like to take this one step further. 

I work with the assumption Fear is trying to be my best friend, it's bringing things to my attention that I might be missing. It's telling me I'm doing something unusual, the outcome may not be guaranteed, there is risk involved. I liken it with motherhood (because I am a mother and the metaphor works for me).

I am an over-protective mother. I own it totally. My Boy is 19 now, that makes no difference to me whatsoever; he's still my baby. My job as his mother, is to keep him safe. If I could have done, I would have wrapped him up in bubble wrap when he was learning to walk. The first time he fell badly and split his lip, I moped him up and became physically sick. That's how much I want to protect my son. 

However, for me to be a good mother, I had to learn to let him fall. I had to give him the space to bruise his knees, to make mistakes, to fail, because ultimately, that's how he would learn to make sense of this world. How was he to walk if he didn't fall? How is he to learn the value of love if he doesn't experience heartbreak? How is he to learn fortitude if he doesn't overcome disappointment? 

Boy rolls his eyes and we laugh together when I become too over-protective. He doesn't hate me for it, he knows it's because I want the best for him.

Love your fear, it's trying to do the best it can for you. But like your relationship with your over-protective mum or friend, create boundaries. Don't waste your energy fighting with it. You'll begin to find, once you acknowledge your fear, doing the Scary Thing becomes easier. You'll have spent time looking at outcomes, weighing up your options. You'll know whether the risks are worth it. You'll be make an informed decision and are prepared.

Don't let fear dictate what you can and can't do. Don't let it be the boss of you. The consequences can be devastating. Not doing something because you're afraid, to my way of thinking, just isn't good enough. It's not good enough for you and it's not good enough for those around you.

Welcome to 2013

Last night we showed 2012 to the door. Depending on the kind of year you had, you may have been sorry to see it leave. Personally, I shouted 'don't let the door hit you on arse on your way out' and went to bed. 2013 started without me. I started 2013 cuddled up.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about my New Year Resolutions. I've only been making them recently; I would rather not make a resolution and find at the end of the year that I've stuck to it! Result. When I started making New Year Resolutions, I would find that they didn't last past March if I was lucky. Nothing like creating a resolution, the failure of which hits you in the face for the rest of the year.

Last year, I resolved to stop smoking. 2012 became the year I stopped and started and stopped again. When I stopped in December (I didn't want to wait until January), I stopped because I really wanted to. I stopped not because I was guilted into it (by the many hours of anti-smoking lectures), or down to financial constraints, or because it was something I 'should' do. I stopped because I really wanted to.

My experience with resolutions is not unique to me. After all, in the beginning of January, gyms are full. By the middle of February, they're back to their normal clientele. So I've been looking for a way to set resolutions and keep them, rather than have them become yet another stick to beat myself with.

Yesterday, I found this video in my Facebook feed.

I like the idea of having resolutions every day of the year, not just January. Richard always makes me smile.

Today, I read Stephen's thoughts on resolutions. I like the way he's taking 'should' out of his coaching vocabulary. If you've set your resolutions, I urge you to visit Stephen's blog, have a look and apply what feels right to you and your circumstances.

Goals, Aims and Targets are the focus of mainstream coaching, because if you don't know where you're going, how can you complain when you get where you are?

Before I did my NLP training, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do and set out to do it. The few times I did that, it worked out pretty well, but never in quite the way I envisaged it. I had fun along the way and few complaints about the way things turned out. I learnt a lot which is fine by me.

After my NLP training, I was encouraged to create a 5 Year Plan. Creating a 5 Year Plan on a timeline and working back towards present day is a powerful experience. You see yourself in 5 years time, having achieved your goals and then go through the steps backwards to your starting point in the present day. I saw it work incredibly well during my training. The only problem is, it makes me physically sick. I react very strongly against it as a concept that I should embrace. 

It boils down to my values. I value spontaneity. I like surprises. And let's face it, Life is a constant surprise, both good and bad. You can plan for everything down to the most minute details, and Life still manages to throw a spanner, a monkey and wrench in all your hard work. 

I like leaving a bit of space for the unexpected.

This year, I created one resolution. But I changed the way I wrote it. It is positive and overarching. I have sub-resolutions, which all align up with it. They are vague enough to give me room to dance around any unusual encounters along the way, but keep me working toward the outcome I am genuinely excited by.

In 2013, I will be following my Bliss to financial sustainability. All of my activities will be either focused on achieving this, or on the maintenance of the rest of my Life, so I can work towards achieving my goal.

Pain, Suffering and Laundry

It's a character flaw on my part; the minute someone says to me "...you should really..." my heels dig in and I generally do the opposite. I was like this as a child and as a grown woman, I've only got better at doing the opposite of what I "should" be doing. It doesn't matter if the advice is good, accurate, well meaning or rational...my initial reaction is intractability. I just don't do what I'm told.

Like all 'flaws', it's a useful response. It means that I sanity check advice first. I don't blindly follow any one or doctrine. I critique the advice I'm given...and then I do the opposite anyway. My stubbornness makes me difficult to bully, bowing into peer pressure doesn't happen. I've learnt to trust that immediate response.

Since I last posted on my thoughts on Positive Mental Attitude and whether I 'should' have one, I've continued to think about it. One of the things that struck me comes from a Buddhist saying: 

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

Why is pain inevitable? It's a harsh and bitter to pill to swallow. No one wants to be in pain. I look to biology for this: what is pain? Pain is a sensation. At it's core, that's all it is. A sensation. It happens for a very good and logical reason, it's a feedback system between our  mind, body and environment that is meant to keep us safe and well. There is a medical condition called Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA), it's a rare and a debilitating condition where the sufferers are not able to feel pain, heat or cold. Sufferers can't tell when they've been injured, so can walk around on broken limbs, develop infections they were completely unaware of; some can't even control their bladders or bowels. They experience no feedback from their bodies at all.

So physical pain, although it's uncomfortable, is a necessary survival mechanism.

Emotional pain, I believe is also a necessary survival mechanism. The ability to feel a whole range of emotions in reaction to a situation or circumstance is emotionally healthy. To feel grief, anger, disappointment, grumpy, low...all of these things point to the healthy functioning of our emotional feedback system. They are pointing out that something isn't working, your attention is required. It can be neither comfortable or pleasant to sit with these emotions. They are painful.

But you know what? That's okay. Here's the thing, it's supposed to hurt. It's supposed to hurt when you say goodbye to someone you love. It's okay to be angry because you've been let down or betrayed. It's okay to be disappointed because something didn't work out.

Feel the emotions for what they are. Emotions. 

Suffering comes from being stuck in those emotions. Suffering comes from the stories that are created out of the pain. The internal dialogues that continually undermine. In Buddhist terms, it's about attachment. I like that idea. 

I think of my emotions being something like a washing line, strung out in my garden on a warm sunny day. The stories I tell myself about a situation or what I'm feeling are the clothes I hang up to dry on the line. I can do a dark wash and hang negative thoughts, or a white wash - hanging the light things to reflect the sunshine; or I could just do the laundry, let the clothes dry without judging how they look, put them away and enjoy the garden.

What is the appropriate response when dealing with physical pain? Attending to the cause, removing it if possible and healing the injury. Why should the appropriate response be any different to emotional pain? 

*   *   *

Not a terribly seasonal post I know, but that's where my thinking was going and I wanted to write it down. 

The last quarter of 2012 has not been easy. Flow turned to stagnation, in both my work and emotional spheres. This has led to me re-thinking much of what I learnt doing NLP and living in it's aftermath. It's clear to me that I have more to learn. I will not abandon this blog, I will continue to think about Life, the Universe and Everything and post my musings here. I hope you continue to find it useful. 

My wish for you all over the festive season, if indeed you are celebrating it, is that you and yours are happy, safe and well. May 2013 bring you prosperity, good luck, opportunities, love and fun.

Roses
xxx

Going with The Flow

There's been a bit of a debate that raged over in an NLP Facebook page that I frequent. I threw my tuppence worth in and then took a step back. I was somewhat surprised by the vehemence of the argument, but then over the Internet, people will argue their opinions on red onions with the stridency of a fundamentalist religious believer. When it got to that stage, I took a step back and considered the bones of the argument itself.

It was about Positive Mental Attitude.

How about that eh? Who'd have thought people would get all hot under the collar from that?

NLP purists argue that it's your attitude that dictates your reality. Your attitude creates the filters through which you experience life. In other words, if you're an optimist good things are there for you and conversely, if you're a pessimist, Life will give you lemons.

To a certain extent, I think there's a lot of weight to the positive argument. Depending on your filter, you'll see opportunity or difficulty. NLP has quite a few good strategies and techniques to get yourself into a positive state, to give you control over your thinking and emotions. These strategies and techniques are incredibly useful.

I did my NLP training a couple of years ago and since then, my internal experience of Life has been far more enriched and considered. The biggest thing it has given me, is awareness. 

The thing is, I'm not an NLP purist. If you ask me about specific techniques and strategies, I'll have to stop and think about it. I can do it, but it might take me a moment or two. For me, NLP is about flexibility and attitude. 

I spent two months during a summer two years ago, with my father before he died. It was perhaps one of the most profound experiences I've had and it rocked me to the very core. When I returned to my life in Norwich, I went to see someone, who suggested that I'd experienced "challenges". Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a testament to my self-control that I didn't pick up the metal folding chair I was sat on, and beat the man to death with it. Challenges? Really?

It was the trivialising of that profound experience which fuelled my rage. And yes, it was rage. Perhaps a little bit over the top, you might say. Perhaps. I got off the chair and haven't seen him since.

NLP, ultimately is about easing suffering. It's about: not making a bad situation worse.

The problem I have with the strident defenders of Positive Mental Attitude is that they argue that there is no such thing as a "bad situation", it's only "a challenge" that you're failing because of a poor attitude. If you change your state, no problem.

Part of my resistance to the paradigm of Positive Mental Attitude comes from the fact I'm a writer and a Pagan. As a writer I am driven to communicate Life's experiences; as a Pagan, the natural world informs my spirituality. My own experiences include: joy, love, laughter, friendship and also, grief, disappointment, pain. I have suffered. My Life is a rich mix of these things. If I was happy, happy, happy all the time, would my life be as rich?

NLP has meant I experience the lows without fear. In fact, there are days when I positively enjoy my moodiness. I relish my grumpiness. I experience these moods knowing I'm not stuck in them. They pass like the rain in winter.

Nature is a great teacher and many of my Facebook posts reflect the metaphors Nature and Science contributes to life. 

You see, if we are the sapling, we need the sun and rain to flourish. The wind to blow off the leaves and the deadwood. The change in seasons to bring periods of rest and growth. NLP has given me more flexibility. Why would I need it, if there wasn't a stiff wind to bend with?

The stiff wind, the low moments, are all part of Life. For me there is power in these experiences. They are the teachers. Great insight comes from them. Insight, I could not have gained with the highs.

Being able to say to those around me: I'm having a really hard time right now, gave the people around me, the opportunity to give me the comfort I needed. I try to return the favour, sometimes more successfully than others, but I do try. There is a great joy in being able to comfort. It reminds us we are not alone. Sharing compassion and love are rich experiences in themselves.

The Work of Byron Katie and Buddhism continue to inform my learnings. I think of myself as a student of Life, not a teacher. This blog is about sharing my thoughts on my experiences, with a hope that you, my readers might find it a trigger for your own thoughts. I don't have answers, I only have more questions.